


I Don't Wanna Live Forever (Songfic)

by TintedPink



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Gen, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sad Tony, Songfic, no happy ending, sad Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 07:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9538121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TintedPink/pseuds/TintedPink
Summary: Steve and Tony were boyfriends before the Accords tore them apart. Neither of them is sure what the other wants, and they're both hurting.orThe author was having feels, and she needed to let them out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So the link to the song this is based off is [ I Don't Wanna Live Forever.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amIK-9TX4Mk) I really like the video that link leads to. It's interesting, but it has nothing to do with this fic. You don't have to watch it to understand this fic.  
> The lyrics that I used are from [ here. ](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/zaynmalik/idontwannaliveforever.html)   
> The lyrics on the video are not the same as the actual lyrics, they're miss-typed somewhere. I took out some of the repeating lines to save myself some sanity.  
> I really liked this song and I just thought to myself "Stony" and then this brain baby was born. I'm not even sorry, because it needed to be done.   
> Also, just as a quick aside, I don't support the 50 Shades franchise, it's abusive and unhealthy, but this is still a good song.   
> None of this belongs to me, I'm just a humble fangirl. All rights to the owners, (Who I am not).  
> This is very roughly edited, so there may still be mistakes, feel free to let me know so we can improve the reader experience together.

 

_Been sittin' eyes wide open behind these four walls, hopin' you'll call_  
It's just a cruel existence like it's no point hopin' at all  
  
Steve stared at the phone in front of him, practically willing it to ring. Wakanda was nice, and Steve would never stop being grateful to T’Challa for his help, but it wasn’t enough anymore. He missed the compound, he missed the tower he missed…

He missed Tony. It was stupid, because he was the one that had left. He’d been the one to walk away, every time, but he missed Tony.

He went so far as to pray to God that Tony would just call. Even if it was just to ask him where he was and be angry. He didn’t exactly see Tony all the time, what with his business at Stark Industries, but he hadn’t ever had to walk away from Tony knowing that he may not be able to see him again.

There was a stupid part of him that hoped that they could get past this, that Tony might just let the Accords go and _be with him_.

But that was as likely to happen as Steve abandoning his own stance on the Accords. He respected that he and Tony differed on this, but it still hurt. It hurt more than Steve was willing to admit, even to himself. It hurt that Tony hadn’t backed him up. It hurt that Tony wasn’t here with them. It hurt that Tony, his boyfriend, hell, his _partner_ was out there hunting him like a fugitive.

Buck was back in Cryo, his team was in shambles, and Steve was staring at a burner praying to God not for his friend to be healed, or for his Team to be mended, but for Tony to call him and yell at him, and fight with him the way that was so familiar to Steve.

_Baby, baby, I feel crazy_  
Up all night, all night and every day  
Give me somethin', oh, but you say nothin'

Steve was barely sleeping. He could count on one hand the number of hours of sleep he’d had this week. He still ate, because he had to, but he had a feeling that if he weren’t a super soldier his hunger pangs wouldn’t exist. As it was he was barely hungry, which meant a lot considering his super solider metabolism.

He gave Tony the phone, had that not been enough? He’d left the note–

Okay, the note didn’t say for Tony to call Steve just to talk. It said to call if Tony needed him but…

Steve needed Tony though. Why didn’t Tony need Steve?

Steve clenched his fists unconsciously, glancing between the silent phone and the closed door, like maybe if he watched hard enough, maybe if he prayed long enough, Tony would come, and everything would be okay, and they could fix this. They could work it out. They had worked through things before. They’d hated each other when they first met. Surely they could work through this.

But this issue was bigger than them, bigger than all of them. Steve hadn’t felt this lost since… since… since Bucky.

_What is happening to me?_  
  
_I don't wanna live forever  
'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain_

When Steve had come out of the ice people had called it a miracle. The serum that had given him a chance to fight for his country had come through when he needed it most. Maybe he’d woken up in the next century, but at least he was _alive._ Not everyone got that privilege. But what use was this life if he didn’t have anyone to share it with? What was the point of a life without Bucky, or Tony, or even Peggy?

Steve had no one, not really. Sam was a good friend, Natasha too, but they weren’t Tony. They weren’t Bucky. He didn’t know what to do without one of them, now with both of them gone… Steve felt lost. He felt as lost as he’d felt when he’d woken up to smart phones and video streaming. He felt as lost as he’d felt when he’d watched Bucky fall.

It all hurt, and for what?

_And I don't wanna fit wherever  
I just wanna keep callin' your name_

Steve curled in on himself, placing his head in his hands, ceasing his silent prayer, and studious watch of the phone.

“Tony,” he whispered into his hands, his voice betraying him when it thickened and cracked with his coming tears.

“Tony.” He feels the sobs coming, because he knows that no matter how hard he wishes he’s never doing to be able to make things right with Tony. He sees the way he his Tony with his shield, replays the moment of contact over and over, watches himself break the arc reactor, hears Tony’s parting words.

“Tony.” He says with his last full breath, and then he sobs.

_Until you come back home_

\---

_I'm sittin' eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind  
Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life_

Tony was sitting up in bed, another nightmare of cruel blue eyes and a hard-edged shield jolting him out of sleep. His heart was beating at a rate that was definitely not healthy for him, and now he couldn’t get it out of his head.

All he saw was Steve, _his Steve,_ hitting him with the shield, hitting him where he was most vulnerable. Steve who knew Tony so well had used what he knew against him. Tony tried to tell himself that Steve had his reasons, and he was just trying to help Bucky, but Steve… Steve was supposed to be the mediator. Steve was supposed to be the one that helped Tony straighten himself out when he was getting off kilter, not the one who twisted him around. Steve was supposed to be there for him.

Admittedly, Tony could have been there more for Steve, but Steve never _let him._ Anytime anything even remotely about Barnes came up Steve had closed himself off to Tony, and made him feel like that was somewhere he didn’t belong. Tony didn’t share everything with Steve, but he shared all the important stuff. He shared the things that mattered, because the whole point of a relationship was having someone else to rely on, to help you carry the burden.

Tony wondered, sometimes, during his post nightmare rousings, if he was ever that to Steve. Tony wonders if Steve ever really trusted him, or trusted him enough. Maybe, in this case, it was good that Steve had done what he’d done, shown his true colors before Tony could get hurt.

But Tony was hurt. He had loved Steve. He’d been in love with Steve, but maybe Steve didn’t really feel the same way. Maybe, to Steve, Tony was always just a replacement, and a shody one at that, for his lost friend. Maybe this wasn’t to Steve what it was to Tony.   
  
_Baby, baby, I feel crazy  
Up all night, all night and every day_

Tony ran a hand through his hair and got up. He didn’t check the time because he knew it would tell him the same thing it had been telling him for far too long. He’d only slept for an hour, maybe less. The sleep deprivation probably wasn’t helping, but he couldn’t sleep. He hated sleeping. No matter how tired he was, or wasn’t, he always had the dream, the same dream, the memory. He saw Steve bring his shield down across his face plate, exposing him, making him vulnerable.

He wouldn’t lie. There was a part of him that thought Steve was about to smash his face in. He looked so, angry, determined, something.

For a moment he thought he saw a flash of sadness, of regret, he thought maybe he was saved, and then the shield came down on his arc reactor, no mercy, stranding him and-

Tony would be the first to admit that his attack on Barnes had been a little bit impulsive, but It still sent his head reeling to see the man that Tony was in love with hurling his shield at his chest. The shield Tony’s father had made for him. The shield Tony had idolized as a child, the shield that had protected so many people.

It came down and Tony nearly lost himself. He did lose Steve.

_I gave you something, but you gave me nothing_

Tony loved Steve. He loved Steve with everything that he had, and it killed him to stand opposed to Steve, but the bastard was too stubborn for his own good. Tony had been willing to negotiation on behalf of the Avengers. Tony had been willing to work, before the madness and the team split up Tony had been willing to do anything, everything, to keep this from happening, to keep them stitched together.

Steve had obviously not been. No, to Steve Tony had been a means to an ends, a pawn. He wouldn’t have done this otherwise. Steve was the one who wanted to fight. Steve was the one that couldn’t get it through his thick head that the Accords were happening whether he liked them or not. Steve was the one that had refused to even try and make a compromise, to let Tony help him, to give Tony even and inch to work with so that maybe they could make it okay, cut through the red tape together and do something good.

_What is happening to me?_

_I don't wanna live forever  
'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain_

Tony had lived through a lot of shit in his life. He’d lived through a lot of betrayals. Key word, he’d lived. He was alive now, but it didn’t feel the same somehow. Nothing felt the same, nothing felt right. Steve was gone, his team was gone, and the friends he had were always so far.

When he’d had more people to care about all the stress hadn’t felt so suffocating. When he had Steve to balance him and a team that relied on him it was like having a stabilizing force in his life. He couldn’t do something stupid and impulsive, like drink himself into a stupor, because he had people who depended on him. He was Iron Man, and Iron Man always had to be ready to take the bad guys down.

Tony didn’t know what to if he didn’t have that.

_And I don't wanna fit wherever_

Tony closed his eyes. He’d never felt as put together as he had when he’d had the team. When he’d been an Avenger he’d had a purpose beyond just being his arrogant self. He became a part of something bigger, something that helped even more people. The Avengers had become some kind of impromptu family, and now none of them were even speaking to him because Steve had convinced them all that Tony was the devil himself.

If you couldn’t trust friends who could you trust?

_I just wanna keep callin' your name_

Tony had been able to trust Steve once. He would’ve trusted Steve with his life, with the whole world’s life, for that matter. Steve who was his light and his love, he would’ve done anything for that man.

Tony picked up the phone and flipped it open, looking at the only contact in the stupid thing.

“Steve,” he whispered not sure what exactly he meant by it. Maybe it was a plead, or a curse or a wish. There was no way to be sure.

He tossed it down onto the foot of the bed and sighed, rolling over and trying not to let the tears flow.

“Steve.”

_Until you come back home_

\---  
  
_I've been looking sad in all the nicest places_

When Rhodey came to see him, Tony smiled as best he could. He put on a little bit of his emergency concealer to make the bags under his eyes less noticeable and more like regular “Tony Stark is on an engineering binge” bags than “Tony Stark is emotionally compromised because his boyfriend tried to kill him” bags.

Pepper called him and it was sort of nice to hear from her, to know that there was more than just Rhodey out there who cared. Her smiling face should’ve brightened his day, because Pepper was awesome, but it was hard to be happy after Steve.

 

_(Baby, baby, I feel crazy)_

Steve was beating bags to pulps left and right. He’d reach his daily limit soon and Sam would come in and make him stop, but that didn’t matter. Steve couldn’t beat himself up for being stupid, and he’d beaten on Tony enough for two lifetimes. Hitting the bags was therapeutic, in a way.

It wasn’t healthy, but it was all he had until the phone rang.

 

_I see you around in all these empty faces_

When Tony has to go to functions all he can think about is Steve. When he saw those people he only really saw the absence of Steve, who tried to come with Tony to things like this as much as possible, mostly to keep Tony company, but also occasionally to keep him out of trouble. Steve wasn’t there though. It was just his ghost, haunting him even in places Steve had never been, showing itself in faces that had never seen Steve’s.

 

_(Up all night, all night and every day)_

“Steve,” Sam says, “When was the last time you slept?”

“Last night,” Steve says incredulously. It wasn’t a lie. He did sleep last night, just not a lot. Half an hour, to be exact. And it wasn’t sleep as much as it was dozing and jolting away repeatedly.

“For how long?” Sam asked, like he can hear the qualifier in Steve’s voice.

“Long enough,” he said and he glanced at the clock. It was only 3pm.

The days were so long when you didn’t sleep.

 

_I've been looking sad in all the nicest places_

When Rhodey surprises him with tickets to a concert Tony smiled and hugged him and acted over the moon, because this was supposed to be one of his favorite bands, and Rhodey didn’t get the big box seats, he got the front row seats where Tony could become a part of a crowd and fade into the music and forget about Steve for just one second, one song, one set.

But Tony could never forget about Steve.

 

_(Give me somethin', oh, but you say nothin')_

Steve carried the phone with him. He hoped that Tony would call.

The phone never rang.

 

_Now I'm in a cab, I tell him where your place is_

Tony couldn’t take it anymore.

He put on a suit and told Friday to chart his course for Wakanda.

_._

_._

_._

_What is happenin' to me?_

Tony turned the suit around in the middle of the ocean. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t just go to Steve. That wasn’t how things like this worked. He’d screw himself over if he went to Steve now. He’d screw Steve over.

Besides, Steve probably didn’t even want him to come. His stupid letter, the one Tony reread to torture himself, said Steve would come to help him save the world. It wasn’t an open invitation to crash the party in Wakanda.

How could be so stupid?

 

_I don't wanna live forever_

Steve regreted a lot of things, one of them was waking up.

 

_'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain_

Tony wasn’t sure how much longer he could do this.

 

_And I don't wanna fit wherever_

Nothing was the same without Tony.

 

_I just wanna keep callin' your name_

Tony still woke up with Steve’s name on his lips and tears in his eyes.

 

_Until you come back home_

He just wanted him back.

 


End file.
